So someone important to me recommended keeping a journal or blog yesterday in order to express my thoughts better. I feel like her analysis of people is similar to mine except that she has more experience and is awesome at saying what she means and showing that she understands people. So here I am back on tumblr.
While I could just show how much I idolize and respect people I feel that self reflection while help me the most. It breaks idealizations into what’s real and it helps you grow as a person.
Excuse me if I’m just going to ramble. Okay first, when I explain things to people I tend to add things like uh, hmm, lol, …, etc in order to “break the ice”. I guess it’s because I hope the person will understand and also so I don’t have to try as hard, but still be able to show that I’m “trying and struggling”. I’m fortunate to have met such an understanding person, but I don’t think it’s helping me which is why I’m here in the first place. Also, I’ve been told that it’s easy to read me like a book. I felt a bit insecure when I heard that. It’s ironic since alot of times I try to be obvious/sarcastic on purpose since I want to appear more easygoing or neutral or not offensive nor defensive. While writing this though, I think that that approach doesn’t make sense since people who get through situations better ease their stress and gain respect by acting more calm or firm. I was about to say that I’m not really sure how to explain this again. Whenever, I think of my idea of these types of people, the idea of confidence comes to mind. I guess it always does come back to that. However, sometimes I feel like confidence isn’t enough. I want that to give off that warm feeling that people with confidence just don’t express. I’m not sure exactly what the balance that I’m looking for is. I think if I meet more people I’ll find more aspects of it, but I need to think for myself as well.
I want to start a new thought since I’m running dry from above. I think I might be a “touch-aphobe”. I’m not saying it since I want to be a player or flirt, but I feel like I really just get nervous about human contact. College changed things a little. I remember how my friend would tell me to be more open-minded. One of the reasons is that I wouldn’t hug my other friend when she wanted to hug or was very resistant to it. My argument was that I didn’t want her to get the wrong idea. That’s always been a problem for me. I’m always afraid of what other people think and it paralyzes me from doing things or makes me awkward. Anyway, long story short, it’s been about a year or a year and a half and I can finally hug her naturally. I’ve also heard about this technique called “hugging till relaxed”. Naturally when two people hug one of them usually wants to let go first. This is normal, but the problem is that the person who wants it more may take it offensively and want to force the other to hug longer. This is a problem in a lot of relationships. The way to solve this is for the person who wants it more to hug “loosely” and be able to balance him/herself. By not forcing the other person, it ironically pressures the other person to hug longer and even if they don’t, the person who wants it more will not have any hard feelings.
So I thought that I had reached a point where I was comfortable with people, but I think the problem is that I got used to hugging people who really want it like more than I do. I’m not used to hugging people who want it less. Okay, not being completely honest with myself. The reason I noticed/cared is that I started seeing someone and her hugs are either short or sometimes she doesn’t seem to want to hug. The thing is that I see her hug others all the time. Now, I could just say that there’s something wrong with her, but a book I read would say that that’s not the correct thing to do. The better way is to “differentiate” myself and self reflect. So I made a hypothesis that sort of contradicts the above idea, but I think it’s okay. So, as I said before, she is really observant so maybe I should use that a little. At first I was thinking that she was just testing me. However, maybe the real reason is that she senses that I’m uncomfortable with physical contact and as a result she’s the one who isn’t forcing me to do it. This made me think more about myself, but unfortunately even to this point not of what to do about it.
So I guess that to start, one of my problems is that I keep thinking about other people think of me. I don’t want to appear inappropriate or lecherous. Also, I feel that if I never get intimate this way, it might show that she actually isn’t interested. Boy was that idea fun. I’m convinced that she is though, however, and I feel like in some ways we do things that other couples don’t do and love this time that I spend with her. My friend actually said that we act like a old married couple. Okay so, I’ve told myself just to give it time, but I feel that there is something else I have to do, some other growth that I have to go through or else this won’t work out. I guess I’m feeling time pressure from the break. I have some friends who were to together and I remember that during two breaks that we had, they said that they didn’t speak to each other at all. A month or two later they broke up while in between my friend was already telling me that he had second thoughts. I guess that I didn’t want that to happen to me since I wasn’t sure how much development we’ve had. I don’t think relationships where you “freak out when you’re not with the person and then when you see them and they are all calm and normal you finally sort of relax” work. I’m not looking to do that anyway. I feel like I have to have respect for her and respect for myself so I’m work on the later. I’m pretty sure that I’ve been naturally the clingy type and I remember her saying once that she’s not into that, like most girls. I think I’m past a significant amount of that hurdle. However, I know that the deeper you get into a relationship, the more you “care” about the person and so you need to differentiate yourself even more. It’s a continuous process and I acknowledge that, but I want to get though this cycle.
Part of this process is not to stress over every little thing all the time, so I’m going to take this process in intervals. I’m not running away. I just know that I’m not going to plow through this and the ability to take my mind off it is a test in itself.
